When the realisation hits, that you need help – Dialysis, Transplant & Beyond Part 4

I guess you get used to pretty much everything when you do it enough, that can be said for Dialysis my routine on the 3 days a week I have dialysis is something I do now without any thought….

Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I get up help the wife get the kids sorted then take them to school, I don’t eat breakfast, not sure why to be honest I just don’t. After the school run, I get back home for around 9.00am grab a quick coffee then pack my Mac up and drive to the dialysis unit for my 9.30am session….I don’t eat until around 11.00am again for no real reason I am not doing intermittent fasting, 11.00am is when they bring the tea and sandwiches around the patients……it’s a routine I do without thinking now and that is what gets me down, I was never supposed to be a dialysis patient and then when I did become one I was supposed to have my transplant by March/April but sods law dictated that nothing, after I entered dialysis, would run smoothly, so here I am in my 4th month of dialysis hoping that I will have the transplant in August.

This divides me somewhat as I really want the transplant to happen it practically fills every thought I have through the day and night yet knowing what is to come with the time in hospital then the recovery period I have periods of thinking continued dialysis isn’t so bad after all, least I get to train and hold my kids……something that will not happen for a few months after the surgery….

It has been an eventful few weeks since my last blog post, my line in my chest that is used for the dialysis came out, apparently, something that rarely happens (but it had to happen to me) I had pretty much forgotten just how painful it was to insert it, this was quickly remembered as they began to insert the replacement, my adrenalin which was in full flow prevented the local anesthetic from fully doing its job so that pain was multiplied, it was by far the most painful experience I have ever had, something I never want to go through again…..

This pain triggered a real downward spiral over the next few days a real low point for me so far throughout this whole experience, I questioned if I would ever recover if I would ever be able to be me again and worse of all I questioned if I was going to be around to be a father to my children and a husband to my wife, my wife did what she does and helped me realise that things although bad at the moment they will get better and I will recover from this, she most certainly is my rock.

The week after I received some great news from my sister, she had called to tell me that Sheffield had finally pulled their finger out and she had received her appointment for her 1 stop Wednesday, this is a day where she gets all of the remaining tests carried out to make sure she is physically fit and suitable for the transplant, we have been waiting for this to happen since the middle of March, this means that we should get the results by the end of May and if all is well then we can move to the next stage which is a Pre-Op and psychology appointment down in Plymouth for both me and my sister… this would mean a theater date of maybe late July/August

Last weekend was Bodypower 2017 and first one in the last few years where I have not been present on the Samson Athletic stand, it was a last minute decision to attend on Saturday afternoon with my wife Jennifer, we drove up in the morning arriving at the hotel and NEC around 1.00pm I think I had forgotten just how big the expo is…..we visited loads of places to catch up with good friends we must have walked miles…..then at around 5.00pm my body said FUCK OFF!!!! I hit a wall and needed to rest, I nearly passed out walking from the expo to the Genting Hotel where we were staying

That evening I realized a huge tick on my bucket list by meeting Jay Cutler in the hotel lobby, Jay has been a huge bodybuilding hero for me for a long time not only for his physique but his business mind and how he handles himself around his fans….

That evening I had a great meal with some great friends but it was a late finish which in hindsight I could have done without…….

The next day we traveled home after catching up with my client Paul Betts who the day before placing a credible 2nd place in the disability class at the Bodypower PCA show, I was incredibly tired that afternoon I guess the weekend up to BP was a little too much for me after all….

I guess that set the tone for the last week as each day I have been more fatigued and drowsy day by day although sleeping loads I have woken up each day as if I had not even slept, although me being me did not slow down and continued to travel for work and train when I could, then today really hit home as I was admitted to hospital after dialysis this afternoon.
Today I could not open my eyes, everything was a real effort my BP was very high and I had edema on my lower shins/ankles all things that are not good at any time never mind when you’re on dialysis and have renal issues……

My bloods have all come back normal (well as normal as can be) I have had an honest and candid talk with the consultant, this has made me realize I am putting a brave face on something that has had a huge impact on both my physical and mental health these past few months……I try to put on a happy face and make it look like that it isn’t affecting me but truth be known it is and on the bad days it hits me hard, when this happens up until now I just push ahead but what I should do and I will do from now on is admit I am not invincible and that I cannot do all this on my own, it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help to rely on others to prop you up every now and then…..in my current mindset I see this as a failing mainly because I help others, that’s what I do, people come to me for answers/advice so it is hard to lean on others when things get tough

I know this is not a permanent thing and that in time I will be fixed and be on the road to recovery, it’s just hard to see that sometimes.

So, I am finishing this update in my hospital bed my aim for these blogs is not only to allow me to vent about my life but to show others that this is in fact real life, it’s not an Instagram story of a nailed diet, perfect training, and inspirational quotes……

This is my life as it stands today it’s not what I expected it to be and I certainly do not feel like an inspiration but it seems to some that is what I have become, I hope my honesty of not being as strong as I would like to have not affected what people think of me……

28 comments on “When the realisation hits, that you need help – Dialysis, Transplant & Beyond Part 4”

  1. Craig Reply

    Great read buddy…we’re all here for you and the family.. absolutely anything you guys need, just ask

  2. Scott B Reply

    Mate, Jen has just made me aware of your situation (my Jen, not yours). What a nightmare you’re going thru….. Stay strong buddy, I’m sure you’ll come thru the other side stronger in the end!! Keep ya chin up. I’ll knock ya door for a catch up next time we’re visiting next door ?

    • Pscarb Reply

      Hey Scott, thanks buddy look forward to a catch up soon, hope the family are all good

    • Pscarb Reply

      Hey Scott, thanks, buddy look forward to a catch up soon, hope the family are all good

  3. Katie Reply

    Roll on Wednesday for results and hopefully good meets , try keep ya chin up , it’b eya befor ya know it x

  4. Carl jolley Reply

    Just read this Paul and honestly mate i really dont know how you’ve done everything you have in the last few months. You are a total inspiration to me and others mate but im glad you realise its ok to need a bit of a lift from others. Stay strong brother ,
    Carl, sarah , Aston

  5. Storm Sports Reply

    been an avid follower since ‘PREP’ I cant begin to imagine how hard this must all be mentally and physically, no one expects a brave face from you so just do what you need to do and I hope everything goes well with the transplant

  6. Oscar Reply

    Hello Paul, keep your head up. The blog puts things
    Into perspective. I wish you a speedy recovery.

  7. Matt Reply

    Just discovered your site via FB today. Brings back a lot of memories reading through these most recent blog entries – I had a kidney transplant in Nov 2012 after having been on dialysis for a few months (did the whole EPO, iron, and Ramipril thing). I can tell you it definitely gets so much better after transplant, but can be tough initially. Now, though, just about to turn 35 and I’m in the best shape I’ve been since I left university.

    I’d gladly answer any questions you’ve got, feel free to email me. I’ll certainly follow your journey, all the best!

    • Pscarb Reply

      Thank you Matt, this is great to hear, although i know its not going to be an overnight thing it gives me so much encouragement to hear from people like yourself who have gone through the same thing.
      i will email you and take you up on that offer closer to the time

      thank you

  8. Ian V Reply

    As always a cracking read Paul and throws into sharp focus what you, and your lived ones are going through.

  9. Duncan Reply

    There are many reasons people have the respect for you that they do. One of those reasons is your honesty. I know I’m only one of many who is wishing the best for you

  10. Monkey Skeleton Reply

    Hope things have picked up for you mate and you’re back on your feet now.
    I’ve not been on UKM for a long time, but lay here in a hospital bed all 8.5st of me, I pretty much feel I’ve hit rock bottom and need to turn this round or…. so I ordered some protein powder to start making my bulk up shakes again. Then I looked at UKM for some inspiration and your blog was the first thing I clicked on. I don’t really believe in fate and all that, but if you can keep going then I’ll do my damndest to do the same.
    So, thank you for your blog!

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